It’s the most wonderful time of the year! NFL season is back and that means no team is safe from the Sprint, now let’s get to running…
Seahawks Seattle 28- Indianapolis Colts 16
Tell me if you’ve heard this story before: Russel Wilson goes on a heater for 8 weeks, Seahawks fans insist this is his season for MVP, we’re told Seattle is “legit” all to watch the whole thing melt away by Week 9. Well folks, we’re on page one of that story, with this year’s edition opening on a 4 TD tear en route to a comfortable win over a Colts team blindly following Carson Wentz (for the time being.)
Houston Texans 37- Jacksonville Jaguars 21
For the first time in his footballing career, Trevor Lawrence has lost a regular season game, which given the squad around him, does not come as a plot twist. But if you had listened to the preseason pundits, you would have thought that Lawrence would be Jacksonville’s Jesus, the one sent to save them from hilarity. The first overall pick didn’t look bad, it just so happened that NFL journeyman Tyrod Taylor looked like a starter for the first time in his career.
Philadelphia Eagles 32- Atlanta Falcons 6
The good news for the Falcons is they can forget their identity as chokers seeing as they would have needed a lead to choke on. Jalen Hurts laid the pain on thick for the Atlanta secondary thanks to his full complement of weapons (hello and welcome to the NFL DeVonta Smith) and wicked arm. Those giving credit to Nick Siriani were few and far between before he took the clipboard, but after the transformation shown by the former laughing stock of the NFC Least, one of the coaching rookies might deserve his moment in the spotlight.
Los Angeles Chargers 20- Washington Football Team 16
Another season of the Football Team was slated to kick off under the seasoned arm of Fitzmagic…and it did for six glorious passes. The quarterback that came with the NFL was taken out by a hip injury and replaced by Taylor Heinicke. As the game unfolded however it became clear that WFT could have had both guys playing QB at the same time and they still would have been no match for sophomore sensation Justin Herbert. Everyone’s favourite teenage-looking QB went off for 337 yards. Concerns over the Chargers’ lack of offensive line help were warranted ahead of Herbert lining up but that might not pose any problems if he can maintain his release time and accuracy shown today.
Pittsburgh Steelers 23- Buffalo Bills 16
Bills Mafia flooded back to the stadium to support their boys after their somewhat surprising run last season. Unfortunately for them, the Bills’ offence was only in the building for the first half, while the Pittsburgh offence decided to show up at halftime. The Steelers can be happy to have the “we can’t beat a good team” monkey off their back but they won’t be as lucky to meet offences that take the half off for the next 16 weeks so there’s still work ahead for Ben and the boys.
San Francisco 49ers 41- Detroit Lions 33
I’m starting to think you could put the lovechild of Joe Montana, Tom Brady, and Patrick Mahomes in a Lions jersey and this team would still find a way to lose. In what was Jared Goff’s first start for the Lions it was an all-too familiar story for the rest of his teammates: dig yourself a massive grave, trick your fans into thinking you can reverse the damage, and end up losing by a score. On the other side, Jimmy G was holding on to that starter spot for dear life, and 314 yards with a touchdown pass should be enough to keep him at the top of the depth chart…for now…
Cincinnati Bengals 27- Minnesota Vikings 24
Raise your hand if you had this Week 1 matchup as our first overtime game of the season. Okay now put your hand down you liar. Heading in to kickoff the only storyline here was whether or not Joe Burrow could make it out of the jaws of the Purple People Eaters with both knees intact. But this is why we play the game, to see Kirk Cousins lose a game he had no business losing, and to watch Eli Apple get burned down after down yet somehow ending up on the winning team.
Carolina Panthers 19- New York Jets 14
In a time where nothing feels safe, it’s nice to know we can count on Sam Darnold being the reason the New York Jets lose football games. His replacement, Disney star turned rookie Zach Wilson impressed, with 258 yards and two touchdowns. But much like a Tesla in the driveway of a leaky-roofed shack can only distract you from the problem for so long, Wilson could only do so much. He was sacked six times while the Jets’ defence appeared to have been scared off by that CGI panther they had running around the stadium pregame.
Arizona Cardinals 38- Tennessee Titans 13
When the Titans were knocked out of the playoffs last season there was not a single person who would have said it was due to a problem on offence; it has long been clear that what’s missing in Music City is someone on defence that has a higher success rate than a pylon. You would think the front office would have gone all in on a big name free agent on the defensive side of the ball. But no no, they added Julio Jones, someone whose job is notably not to stop the other team from scoring touchdowns. All this while the team on the other sideline added JJ Watt, arguably the biggest name available in free agency, despite already having Chandler Jones, who lit up Tennessee with five sacks. Priorities, am I right?
Kansas City Chiefs 33- Cleveland Browns 29
Did we really doubt Patrick Mahomes? Yeah didn’t think so…
Miami Dolphins 17- New England Patriots 16
Last time the Patriots sent a white guy with a dad bod onto the field it was the start of a 20 year dynasty. The Foxborough faithful were hoping for a repeat and it looked promising for a little while, until the team around him got caught under a rain of yellow laundry. Instead it was the other Alabama quarterback who rolled to victory.
Denver Broncos 27- New York Giants 13
Nobody blink but there may be a competent quarterback in a Broncos’ jersey. Sure it’s Teddy Bridgewater so who knows how long it’ll last but for the time being it’s a glorious sight for Denver fans who have been yearning for an offence to do what they did on Sunday. As things tend to go with long-plagued football teams, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows as their prime target, Jerry Jeudy, fell off the horse with a high ankle sprain, not to be back in the saddle for 6-8 weeks.
New Orleans Saints 38- Green Bay Packers 3
The Packers’ hopes at a respectable season are looking to be in jeopardy after Aaron Rodgers and company all seemed to be reading from different playbooks this weekend. Though the team swears their comedy of errors had nothing to do with the reality show worth of turmoil their QB turned TV host put them through, it’s hard to find another reason as to why the Pack scored an ⅛ of the amount of points as a baseball team did on the same day.
Los Angeles Rams 34- Chicago Bears 14
It wasn’t a fever dream, the Chicago Bears really did choose to start the Red Rifle on Sunday Night Football while Justin Fields sat on the sidelines. In case the scoreline wasn’t obvious enough, that decision may not be one that gets made again especially when realizing that one of the touchdowns on the Bears’ board was a rushing TD by none other than Fields. As for the quarterback in the other colours, Matthew Stafford had a dazzling debut for his new squad, truly proving that maybe it was the team around him all these years that was the problem.
That’s all from the first Sunday of the season, don’t forget to come back every week for everyone’s favourite football recap.