New York Jets 27- Tennessee Titans 24
Chicago Bears 24- Detroit Lions 14
At this point the Detroit Lions might need to consider taking the rest of the season off. After coming into Sunday as the most overqualified 0-3 team in recent memory, there was a singular shining moment that encapsulated how this season has gone: the dick pick. Yes, the Lions snapped the ball directly into Jared Goff’s cup and had it ricochet past the line of scrimmage into the awaiting arms of the Bears defensive line. Somewhere Mark Sanchez is thanking his lucky stars that the butt fumble is no longer the most embarrassing body part blooper.
Indianapolis Colts 27- Miami Dolphins 17
For the first time in years, the embarrassment of the AFC East is not named the New York Jets. The scoreline may have only been separated by two scores but the Dolphins performance looked more akin to what you expect out of putting real live sea mammals in full pads and sticking them on to dry land. Add to that they were facing an immobile Carson Wentz and his depleted Indy lineup and you have what could go down as the most embarrassing game in franchise history. Credit to the Colts who found their way off the schnide before having the season turn into a complete mess.
Cleveland Browns 14- Minnesota Vikings 7
Mayfield may not have come up with a touchdown but the way he was able to lead his team to gutting out a win truly confirms that these Browns are for real. From the defence absolutely throwing Minnesota’s best blockers for a loop to the offense making perennial pro bowler Eric Kendricks look below average in coverage, there wasn’t much to dislike about what Cleveland has got going on but the true test will come next week when they play the electrifying Chargers in an attempt to move to 4-1. As for the Vikings, they’re treated to a matchup with the Lions next week meaning the skid will most likely come to an end earlier than their play may deserve.
Washington Football Team 34- Atlanta Falcons 30
Washington appears to have captured lightning in a beer bottle this season despite losing their starting QB to injury in Week 1. Taylor Heinicke continues to prove that his playoff performance was anything but a one off and is making a strong case for himself as the Football Team’s starting guy through their name change and beyond. The soon to be face of the Heineken franchise was in quarterback battle with Matty Ice, who despite his four touchdowns, has yet to defrost his team from 28-3.
Buffalo Bills 40- Houston Texans 0
Has anyone tried unplugging the Texans and plugging them back in? The fact that there isn’t a Houston-wide manhunt for Bill O’Brien is nothing short of a miracle. The ghost of the Texans’ former coach was all over Sunday’s performance as they got absolutely lit up by a combination of Josh Allen and, shockingly, Mitch Trubisky. We’re approaching the point where putting a bag of balls in at QB would be a more attractive option as it would spare the Texans from having to watch themselves throw four picks in a game. When it comes to Buffalo, it’s hard to get a read on what they’re actually like given the CFL-caliber of their opponents, meaning their primetime showdown with Mahomes and the Chiefs could tell us a lot about how the AFC will play out.
New York Giants 27- New Orleans Saints 21
You know it’s a weird week in football when both the Jets and Giants…win…in overtime. In both cases it was a case of the other team laying an egg but hey, a win’s a win right?
Kansas City Chiefs 42- Philadelphia Eagles 30
Welcome to one of the few times in football where putting up 42 points in a win fails to count as impressive. Sure the offence was absolutely rolling, but you could put your bedridden grandma in at QB versus the Eagles defence and she would be rolling through more than the nursing home. It was the Chiefs’ defence that spelled concern as they made Jalen Hurts racking up 30 points look like practice. It’s no secret that Kansas City just doesn’t look exactly right this season, but even this one felt like an anomaly.
Dallas Cowboys 36- Carolina Panthers 28
Nobody look yet but the Dallas Cowboys are 3-1 and don’t look to be slowing down any time soon. Perhaps most impressive is Ezekiel Elliott looks to finally be earning his $90 million contract after a couple seasons of below average production. Add to that a fully recovered Dak Prescott and you have a potential threat coming out of the NFC Least.
Seattle Seahawks 28- San Francisco 49ers 21
It may be weird to have been calling a Week 4 game a must win but that’s exactly what Sunday’s showdown was for Seattle against a division rival. Bolstered by a Jimmy G injury, Pete Carroll and the Legion of Doom managed to sneak out a win thanks to a clutch performance from Russell Wilson. The win ensures the Seahawks won’t be facing any more uncomfortable questions this week but the same can’t be said for San Francisco who will now be facing a quarterback dilemma slightly earlier than expected.
Arizona Cardinals 37- Los Angeles Rams 20
With all the love being showered on the new-look LA Rams, the Cardinals were clearly feeling a little left out of the conversation. There’s no better way to get yourself back into the conversation than by becoming the only team to hit 4-0 while making one of the most electric offences in the league look like they were back under their old quarterback. After years of being the bridesmaid and not the bride of the NFC West, Kyler Murray has Arizona playing like the team that’s engaged to the playoffs.
Green Bay Packers 27- Pittsburgh Steelers 17
We all deserve someone that looks at us the way we caught Aaron Rodgers looking at Mike Tomlin, even if he turned around and denied any at all rumours of him angling to play for the Pittsburgh coach next season. Even if it isn’t Rodgers, the Steelers desperately need to start thinking of life after Big Ben because the clock struck midnight on this version of the Steelers long, long ago.
Baltimore Ravens 23- Denver Broncos 7
We all knew Denver were pretenders at 3-0 but it was nice to have it confirmed as explicitly as it was. The biggest headline of the day came with the final play as the Ravens had Jackson run the ball to keep the team’s 100-yard rushing streak alive as opposed to taking the knee in the blowout.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 19- New England Patriots 17
Did you know that Tom Brady went back to Foxborough this week? Are you sure you didn’t miss it? No? Just checking. The game we (I) were expecting to be a blowout was so close it made Patriots fans excited about the new white kid under centre.