Nothing is more synonymous with American Thanksgiving than football, but what would happen if football was AT American Thanksgiving?
The Football Dad: Detroit Lions
We all know the type; the one who watches every snap of every game and talks to the TV as if he could do it better than the pros. In other words, the 0-9-1 Detroit Lions, who week after week come out and cosplay a competent football team, sometimes having success and other times throwing the now infamous Dick Pick. The Football Dad can always be counted on to contribute nothing to the evening’s festivities but get full credit for being there, just like the league’s last winless team.
The Meal Prep Mom: Arizona Cardinals
Cooking up a storm, not holding back anything regardless of who tries to get in her way, the Meal Prep Mom is a machine. Naturally, the Arizona Cardinals assume this role as the league’s top-ranked team despite having an unknown backup under centre. Think of Colt McCoy as the equivalent of Mom having to cook with an arm behind her back and the team’s results are a perfectly cooked turkey with all the fixings.
The Cool Wine Aunt: LA Rams
She’s got all the latest gadgets and can spend thousands jet-setting around the country because she refuses to be tethered down by kids. Sound familiar? It’s the Rams who have seemingly flown from team to team to drop whatever cash necessary to snag shining star after shining star. From Von Miller to OBJ, there appears to be no limit on the Rams’ payroll, and they’re clearly not tied down by loyalty to a winning core seeing as there was never one to begin with.
The Kids’ Table: NFC East
The small corner of chaos nobody takes seriously; no family gathering is complete without one. The NFL’s is no doubt the NFC East where you’ve got the Dallas Cowboys who fill the seat of the teenager on the cusp of being able to graduate onto the adult side but just aren’t quite there yet, but beyond them, it’s just sets of grubby hands grasping at anything to sustain themselves, often winding up fighting for scraps. If we’re being honest, there’s a reason they call it the NFC Least…
The Delusional Grandpa: Green Bay Packers
He won’t stop talking about “back in his day” and how things used to be, never being able to achieve THAT level of greatness since. The Pack are a prime example of never letting anyone forget about how they basically owned professional football even though the last couple of years have been marked by choking on a variety of things, not unlike your delusional grandpa inhaling turkey between diatribes.
The Over-Achieving Cousin: New England Patriots
Everyone is in awe of them, there’s nothing they can’t do, even when their crown jewel of a quarterback up and leaves for a retirement home in Florida. Sorry, did I say your cousin? I meant the Patriots. Sure they had a year where they didn’t have as much to say at the dinner table, but suddenly they’re back to their old ways even if they were forced to start over. No wonder the rest of the league hates them.
The Random Significant Other: Cincinnati Bengals
No family gathering is complete without someone bringing their latest beau. Sure they may seem like they have potential in random spurts, but nobody gets invested because we all know it won’t last long. I give you the Cincinnati Bengals. They’re kind of just there…and yes they’ve shown flashes of being relevant this season but if we’re being honest the fact that their slogan is Who Dey is pretty fitting.
The Black Sheep: The Las Vegas Raiders
Finally, the one family member that just isn’t like the others, they never quite fit in. If we’re being honest when you look at this family member, you kind of feel better about yourself, much like how the NFL has been looking at the Raiders over these last few weeks. From the outlandish fans who pose a security threat to others, to the speed at which problems pop up with their character, the Silver and Black perfectly fit the role of Black Sheep.
Where would your team sit at the Thanksgiving table? Let us know on Twitter @unbenched_