Week 14 seemingly came out of nowhere and it may have been one of the most exhilarating ones yet. From the joke that is the entirety of the Jaguars franchise to Aaron Rodgers still very much owning the Bears, we’ve got tons to run through today so lace up those cleats and let’s roll.
New Orleans Saints 30- New York Jets 9
The Mormon Missile Taysom Hill emerged victorious in the battle of former BYU quarterbacks, and are we really surprised? Sure, Hill has become known more for his joystick abilities than his quarterbacking, but he is a gunslinger by trade, and well Zach Wilson is a Disney channel star who walked on to the wrong set. The misery of the Jets truly just boils down to a complete and utter lack of NFL-worthy talent and they won’t pull themselves out of the AFC East basement until they go out and find some. May we suggest members of the back-to-back Grey Cup champion Winnipeg Blue Bombers?
Atlanta Falcons 29- Carolina Panthers 21
Cam Newton is indeed back…on the Panthers’ bench. The quarterback who has become known for everything other than his throwing ability was benched in favour of PJ Walker during a first half that was full of calamities for the Panthers. Newton did come back to start the second half and did find the end zone with his legs but the reunion with their former Superman has not gone according to script. On the other side, the Falcons managed to not squander a lead and in doing so kept themselves in the thick of the wild card hunt in a jam-packed NFC race. The introduction of Arthur Smith in the head coaching role has appeared to breathe new life into Matty Ice long past when most were calling for his career to be over.
Seattle Seahawks 33- Houston Texans 13
The Houston Texans are a very bad football team and have yet to shake the curse of Bill O’Brien. Also Rashaad Penny has officially put the league on notice.
Kansas City Chiefs 48- Las Vegas Raiders 9
The last time the Raiders were in Kansas City they were seen taking victory laps in their team buses around Arrowhead. They followed up that bad decision with yet another slight at their divisional opponents, a move they would soon regret. Yannick Ngakoue assembled his team on the Chiefs’ logo for a little pregame chat…and well Kansas City took that personally. Patrick Mahomes and company enjoyed a return to form fuelled by the perceived disrespect of Vegas’ choice of pre-game meeting venue. Clyde Edwards-Hillaire scampered into the endzone for two touchdowns but the most notable score of the day was the touchdown caught by perpetually exempt Josh Gordon. The end zone grab by Gordon was his first since Week 1 of 2019 when he was a Patriot.
Cleveland Browns 24- Baltimore Ravens 22
Lamar Jackson did not finish the game and unfortunately for Ravens’ fans, this time was not because he had to use the bathroom. The face of the franchise was carted off after just four passes with a sprained ankle, putting his status in question for at least the next week. With their divisional foes wounded, Cleveland dug their heels in and while they nearly blew it to a backup QB, the Dawg Pound defence came up with bites as big as their barks when they needed to.
Dallas Cowboys 27- Washington Football Team 20
The Dallas Cowboys and their heated benches will return to AT&T Stadium with the win Mike McCarthy promised. And yes, the benches will be returning alongside the team because the Cowboys flew over their own seating implements after hearing from a former visitor to FedEx field that the heated benches provided by the Football Team were not up to snuff. I just wonder if they got their own plane…
Tennessee Titans 20- Jacksonville Jaguars 0
One day, Urban Meyer will be in the news for something football related, and who knows maybe even positive, but that day is not today. After Tom Pelissaro reported about some not-so-friendly fire Meyer threw at his assistants earlier in the week, Meyer was questioned more about the apparent office drama than the horrendous product his team is producing on the field. In case you were wondering, he handled the line of questioning absolutely swimmingly, denying everything outright and calling the whole situation “nonsense” and “garbage” as the consummate professional he is. Oh also, Trevor Lawrence threw four picks.
Denver Broncos 38- Detroit Lions 10
The Detroit Lions’ winning streak ends at one. All jokes aside, this win for the Broncos was fuelled by the moving tributes to Demaryius Thomas pregame, and even once the game started. Denver took a delay of game penalty on the opening play as they sent out 10 guys in honour of their late teammate, and one of the most memorable Broncos in recent memory.
Los Angeles Chargers 37- New York Giants 21
The fact that Justin Herbert broke into the league last season because of the incompetence of team medical staff is proposterous given what we’ve seen him do ever since. The sophomore quarterback threw three touchdowns, propelling him to a trio of career milestones: he became the first player to throw 30 touchdowns over their first two seasons, has the most completions by any player through his first two seasons (734), and became the second-fastest player to rack up 8000 career yards (28 games).
San Francisco 49ers 26- Cincinnati Bengals 23
There was a time not long ago where the thought of this matchup being pushed to overtime would have been inconceivable. But suddenly, the Bengals are banging on the door of a playoff spot and are not an opponent you would want to face ince there. The combination of Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase is magical and the defence is nothing to sneeze at. The 49ers proved to be just too much on this day but keep an eye on both these sides as we head towards elimination football.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 33- Buffalo Bills 27
There is absolutely nobody with an affiliation to the Bills who can honestly say that their sleep paralysis demon is not Tom Brady. The GOAT is now 33-3 against the Bills and his walk off TD in OT was the 700th touchdown toss of his career. If it’s any consolation Bills’ fans, just think of the possibilities that will open up once he retires (and don’t think too hard about what’s brewing between Belichick and Jones down in Foxborough).
Green Bay Packers 45- Chicago Bears 30
It must be so weird for the Bears to continuously lose to their own owner.
Where does your team stand in the playoff race? And if you’re a Jaguars fan, what size paper bag are you wearing to work today? Let us know on Twitter @unbenched_